No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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