id be glad to
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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