you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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