Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
