true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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