Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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