I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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