just tell him i said nine months
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
