Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
