I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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