And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
