dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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