Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize