Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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