I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
