What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize