Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
