I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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