So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize