I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
