i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
