i don't like sucking hair
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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