you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Randomize
