I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize