Where is the hickey?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm sobbing to NWA
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
