youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Randomize
