my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
