Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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