I cannot find my penis.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
