i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
