You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
