it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
