GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
