How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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