My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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