the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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