another moral hangover. fuck.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
