his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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