We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
