At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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