I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You ruined the universe
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
