I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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