you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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