We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
