Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
