My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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