Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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