My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
