take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize