dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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