I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
