i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
