I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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