So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
