I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize