Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
