if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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