well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
