seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
