I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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