It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize