i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
We need a shit load of segways right now
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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