Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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