I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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