I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
