PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
