I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize