dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize