So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
